does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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