I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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