dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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