yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
