I haven't been this sober since birth.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
