What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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