Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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