I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you had me at cake vodka
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
