I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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