I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
