She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
