I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
