2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
