I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
