cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You did what with his pubic hair?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
