Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
