I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
