Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
