there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
