You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
