My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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