you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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