It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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