I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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