Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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