I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
