you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
