if i can run in heels then i can drive
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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