Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Randomize
