Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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