watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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