All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
