Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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