I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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