Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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