Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
