If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you told grandpa to call you daddy
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
