Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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