You're my little dorito
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
