We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
