That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
In America we eat man semen.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
