My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
