So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
