I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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