What a fucking waste of an outfit
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
