My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
