apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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