so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
