I accidentally had phone sex last night
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
