can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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