At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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