I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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