non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she smelled like a LAN party
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
