I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
