Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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