i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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