I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
birth control should be required to get into college
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
