I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
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