Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
