Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
